Feeling Money
I want money, right? What have I learned about money? Why is it strange to talk about money? Why do we lie…about money?
I heard a lot about money. But, I don’t study and I don’t worship that dark art. I am pretty good with your money but I am not the best with mine. Narrower, it’s easy for me to be logical on all matters regarding your money. It’s challenging for me to reason soundly regarding my money. For your consideration, I am also the person that signs checks at their work.
Belief comes to mind when I think of money. I am guided by my beliefs about money. Those beliefs were shaped in childhood. My dad talked about money A LOT. My dad joked about money A LOT. My dad got angry about money A LOT. Despite money’s omniscience in the household, I never had any conception of what money signified during the years I was reared. His relationship with money was thickly shielded from me. I never missed out on something because of money; I missed out on things I wanted because they were “overpriced” or “unnecessary”. Money was an abstract concept. If you told me that my father’s job paid him $50,000 per annum, I would have believed you. If you would have told me that he made $500,000 annually at that job, I would have believed you. If you told me he made 1.5 million every year, I would have believed you. I had no context, and I knew I had expensive taste at an early age. These beliefs are fucked up. How could someone who talked about money so much, never actually say anything about HIS relationship with money? I am not blaming my father, I suspect it’s a common (even desired) experience to remove the burden of money from your children. I understand. Certainly, there are plenty of people in the world who I really hope want for nothing.
Beliefs are tightly held because they are formed through adversity or early in life, at least that's how I choose to believe. As a result, I conflated having “money” to signify objects out of reach that I would not experience in my current life. The longer I am alive, the more I realize that private jets, or galas, yachts, etc. they are all natural extensions of one’s activity, driven by utility and not excess. These activities have purpose. For those who start with the spoils, instead of being led there, they are perhaps unfortunate.
Money is a mystery because we don't talk about it. I wonder if we don’t talk about it because we secretly covet each other’s money, while we quietly try to protect the sums we have already collected and stored. I wonder if we don’t talk about it because you may think a certain way about me, if you found out how much money I have. I wonder if I told you how much money I made, I would find myself disappointed. It’s discomfiting to talk about money because I don’t know your relationship with money, I wouldn’t want to offend you nor would I want to be offended if you shared something about money that made me feel a certain way.
I’ve begun to understand my dad’s incessant fiscal chatter differently in recent years. He spoke of money so often because that was his concern. I’ve learned a long time ago that you cannot transmit something that you don’t have, despite whatever achievements he met, he was still worried; still financially insecure. Later, that financial insecurity was repositioned and aimed toward me. I agree with the assessment, I am not great with my own money, but I am pretty sure I understand it. I also cognize that I don’t worship it, it comes and it goes. If I continue to live freely and loosely, more will be bestowed upon me instead of trying to stop time, to grab as much as I can.
Money makes me feel. Can I acknowledge that out loud? I heard someone say today that he shouldn’t knot his self-worth around money, I don’t do that. Although, I do want things. I want the things and not the money. I want the security and not the money. I don’t really care at all about money but I want the experience that money can provide and the wares that money can obtain. On the other hand, the physical paper money, the act of handing it to another person in order to leave a building with an item, its so gruesome. “Here I am gonna give you this ($) so I can grab that”, yuck. The whole practice is a contrivance of airs.
Therefore, I reasoned that having “money” or not having “money” is a choice. Rather it’s a question of financial security, do I feel secure in my current financial position? Am I afraid that the money will run out or disappear? No, I trust myself and my abilities. Also, since money makes me feel, I want to feel well and not in anguish. Today, I choose to feel financially secure, so yeah, I have money (even if it doesn’t match your definition).