Untying the knot

I am going through a perpetual breakup. It keeps happening. I keep coming back. The same person keeps breaking up with me. We aren’t even getting back together when we get back together. I shouldn’t even call them breakups anymore, but I do, because that’s how they feel. My heart (I don’t know what else to call it) is getting repackaged and regenerated for another tour every time I spend extended periods of time with this person. I call it different things when we briefly reconnect; convening, sharing time, walking a road to reconciliation. Clever phrases fail to obfuscate the recognition that we are failing to bond with conviction. Each time that we reunite a thicker wall is built between us. The goalposts of why we aren’t going to work are consistently moving as well. We get along really well. She is my best friend. I think the world of her. I also think she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I value her talents and gifts. I suspect that her power extends further than she can cognize. I have all the thoughts and feelings about this individual that I think you are supposed to have regarding your partner. We also really connect. Deeply.

So why not work? Well, I have some baggage. I am in recovery for 6 years, I don’t drink. I’ve faced some trouble but I face no longer. Some of my negatives are: my body isn’t where I want it to be, I have obsessive thoughts, I am not confident and I think many have achieved successes greater than I at this stage of their life.

Our connection is a special one. But it is one without a manifest. I keep running in this circle in my head. Am I too ugly? Am I too fat? Am I too annoying? Am I too incapable? Am I too clumsy? I am failing to understand why a relationship isn’t happening, why it isn’t succeeding, why it isn’t thriving. When I reposition the question, why should this relationship work? The answers are all also over the moon. We share similar interests, we talk well together, we work well together, we both love her dog (I could divert for hours about the dog, he’s the best boy). But I don’t make her melt, I don’t make her excited, she has said that she’s no longer attracted to me. I accept that as true.

I suspect she’s waiting for something better to come along. And I think there are better men than me out there. I am not the best. I’d like to be. I trust that my world will unfurl beautifully if I continue to follow my current path. I even suspect that my next landing place will surprise most because there always has been just a little glimmer of special within me (and I can feel something big is coming, I just don’t know when). For which I am gratefully bestowed. I can’t ask her to see into the future as to how I will open up. But that’s all futurecasting.

Why do I love someone who is refusing to love me back? Is that just the chase? Is that just self-worth annihilation? Is it pathetic? Maybe? I am not arrogant enough to dismiss the possibility that I am a sucker for punishment. Why is she refusing? She never gave it chance anyway. The relationship started with doubt. “Are we a mixmatch? ”. I didn’t even know what that meant. I suspect it had something to do with me being unworthy of her beauty..

I truly believe that we go through what we have to go through in order to go somewhere else. I know that I am growing. I am grateful for this individual because we shared new experiences. But I know that the way we get along is unmatched.

She’s a horrible critic of me too. I don’t know that she knows that. She consistently judges me. Some of the judgement is fair. I have had terrible meltdowns at moments when she has pushed me away. Everything I do, I feel as if she is thinking I am doing it wrong. So why do I stay engaged? Why do I keep signing up for the pain of not getting love from the person you are giving love? Because there are no mistakes. Everything does happen for a reason. I don’t know what the reason is yet.

I know I have never felt a connection like that before. I know that I have never got along this well with anyone.

To me she is the shiniest star in the sky. And to her I am dulled. But I don’t think she can anticipate what I will do next, for the first time, I am confident it will be great. I hope she is around to see it. I hope that she is open-minded enough to recognize my value when that time comes. Because she has said all of the hurtful things and I’m still standing. She has evaded all of the contact and I am still standing. She has broken all physical contact and I am still standing. And every time we come together, it still never misses a beat. The connection remains despite assault.

Since I know our connection is real and unique, I have no problem trusting that it will come back after her head clears. Life has a funny way of working out. Everything that happened before right now has led us to this very moment. I’ll go in a new direction and I trust that she will call me to come along. I hope we become ribbon being tied into a bow in a continuous loop.